In my last column I mentioned that Lynne and I had recently taken a trip to the UK, and how it was interesting trying to suddenly get into the pace of Merry Olde London. I realised that even when you visit a country where people speak your language, you can still feel like a fish out of water. There are colloquialisms and habits unique to every culture, and it can throw you off-kilter. Before you know it, YOU’RE the one asking if you can swim under the island and when’s the next bus to Stingray City?

We are very lucky to live in the first world country that is the Cayman Islands, but not everywhere has the simple luxuries we take for granted. When was the last time you paid for toilet paper? No, I’m not talking about a six-pack of Charmin specially designed to waft off your bottom like so many ostrich feathers. I’m talking about on a sheet-by-sheet basis in the actual bathrooms of any venue, being proffered by a woman holding a roll. We were surprised by this (as you can imagine) when we stopped at the Muhammed Ali Mosque in Egypt and had to use the facilities. Our guide gave us small change to take in, but I fancied it was to pay for some Egyptian version of a Super Loo. There was nothing super about this loo, and when a woman and a young boy offered to sell us some toilet paper, I realised we weren’t in Kansas anymore. It didn’t take us long to get savvy about THIS local custom, and from then on our pockets bulged with tissues pilfered from the cruise ship.

When you walk into a mall shop, you are asked politely if you would like assistance, and then you might try on some clothes, reject a few, and go on your way. It’s a whole different ball of wax in some other countries. Take for example the time we spent in the markets in Old Jerusalem. Lynne decided to try on a top that when donned, became shapeless and unflattering. The man had been all smiles and speaking English until I stated that I really didn’t think it suited her. It was at this stage that he transformed into a dervish of yelling and gesticulation, screaming in what seemed to my uneducated ears to be a mixture of languages, and not a flattering word between them. I don’t know what possessed Lynne, but to try and appease him she tried on ANOTHER blouse, one with even less fashion potential. Riled by his previous outburst, I considered telling him that he could kiss a job at Abercrombie & Fitch goodbye. Instead I made a point of emphasising how much I disapproved of her second choice. As he turned purple she extricated herself from the item and we fled before it got uglier.

Now the above stories aren’t so silly – they were countries very different from our own, and unless we were warned (or did some of our own research instead of blundering across their borders) it’s not surprising that we were faced with unfamiliar scenarios. Yet you would think that in places like the UK, the US and Ireland, we would be in pretty comfortable territory. Not necessarily so. Sometimes even technological advances can be enough to make you (and others) wonder what the heck you’re doing.

Back when I was a university student in the UK you bought travel cards to use the Tube or buses. Up until a few years ago, it was the same thing. Then suddenly on the trip this year we were faced with Oyster cards and we didn’t have a clue. From what I managed to glean in a deafening tube station, you buy your Oyster card and then you can top it up with credit using a bank card etc… We just stood looking blankly at the machines at the station, arguing about which one to use, and this one takes cards, and this exact change… At the same time, a girl clearly trying to get to grips with the system as well started to ask Lynne questions. Lynne, ever helpful, gave it a whirl but quickly found herself out of her depth. In the first place she had none of the answers, and in the second place, her Mandarin was pretty rusty. In the meantime I was concentrating on the person in front of me who was doing something with some card, but when I tried to repeat the motions I nearly snapped my debit card in half in the process. In the end we bought our tickets the old-fashioned way from the window and resolved to buy a Lonely Planet London ASAP.

It was the same palaver when we tried to pay by card at restaurants. Credit and debit cards are now chipped over there – probably to do with identity theft or something, but ours weren’t. The servers stared at our cards like we were trying to pay with doubloons. They swiped but nothing happened. The manager was called in. Whispers of “no chip” and apologetic yet frustrated glances were thrown our way. In the end they got it sorted, but in the meantime entrees were going cold in the kitchen. We didn’t know how to get one of these chips, but clearly it was the only way to be welcomed into any establishment.

Surely the good ol’ U-S-of-A would cause us no bother! Have you tried driving in Florida recently? Come across a toll station? We rented our car, put our hands up to refuse the offer of a SunPass, and then promptly drove un-paying through toll after toll from Miami to Ft. Lauderdale. They have recently replaced manned tolls with electronic ones. It’s a $25 administration fee for every toll you breach. Marvy.

And Ireland? It hasn’t changed a jot – people are still fabulous and the coastline is breathtaking. But if you go to a certain pub in Dingle, DON’T sit in Moira’s chair! You have been warned.